A Sense of Fear
Posted in : Uncategorized on by : ks Tags: fear, suicide
On the 29th of August 2018, I reached a climax in my life, and for no good reason, I decided to kill myself.
I was unsuccessful, and the aftermath of that decision resulted in a lot of people being hurt and being angry. Many people wrote me off and this left me with fewer “friends” than before.
I thought I understood the effect I had had on people, how I had made them feel. I was wrong. I had no idea of the severity of my actions on others.
Yesterday, I was supposed to do a networking job, but due to Load Shedding, I was going to have to do the job in the late afternoon. So it was agreed on by myself and the client, that the job would be done early next week so that we are not making noise into the early evening.
Then I had to drop off a few things at a friend in the afternoon followed by dropping other items at another friend. This meant I would be at my second friend well after rush hour.
I got to the freeway by Springfield Park and saw the cars were not moving. So I went over the freeway and straight to the second friend.
When I got there, it was evident that my friend was out of their mind. I assumed my friend had had too much to drink. But as the condition of my friend worsened, I realized that something was a miss.
I started looking around and found many used blister packs that once contained medication. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. But then I found it… a note.
“I am sorry. Do not revive.”
Without hesitation, I phoned an ambulance. I hurried my friend’s partner to get there as fast as possible.
Now I do not naturally feel the emotion of fear. But yesterday, I felt fear. It was an awful emotion.
Then my friend’s partner arrived followed by the ambulance.
Suddenly it hit me.
Is this how I made everyone else feel?
I didn’t feel angry, probably because having been there before I had a higher sense of empathy. But I felt fear. Dark looming fear.
The ambulance got my friend to the hospital where the staff stabilized my friend.
I was standing next to my friend’s bed in the ER when the doctor asked the question…
“What happened the brought you here?”
“I took every tablet I could find in my flat.”
“I wanted out.”
“Do you still feel like that?”
I am so sorry too all those I hurt and angered last year. I thought I had understood the emotions I had put you through. But I now know that I had no idea of the extent of your pain.
To my friend:
“I am not angry with you. I am rather happy and sad. Sad that your life had reached this point, but I am happy that circumstances had been such that I found you when I did.
I know my attempt hit you hard because of what happened prior to someone close to you.
You are very special to me, and I love you. I know your struggle is real, and I do my best to understand your situation, but nobody really understands someone else’s situation fully. We say we do, but we don’t.
Fight the fight, Live on. You are loved, you are wanted, you are cherished. It may not feel like at times, but please, next time, phone me.
I have been there. And yes, I know everyone’s situation is different, but I know the darkness you feel when reaching the point of actually giving up.
With all my love, with all my soul, I pray you find the strength to keep going.