A comment left on a website

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A comment left on a website

Posted in : Collection of Suicide Notes on by : ks

Please read: https://karl.schurmann.web.za/suicide-notes

There are so many beautiful things i want to stay around for but it’s getting to the point that they aren’t enough anymore

sometimes i feel like laughing freely with my best friend or the beauty of a really good song or the feeling that comes with playing my viola or the feeling of reuniting a dog with their owner that they haven’t seen in two weeks or the feeling of silky sheets on my skin or how much i love how curly my hair gets or the good memories of my life are enough for me but it’s not

It’s not enough anymore

I am not enough for myself

I am not enough

I am skin and bones and muscles and veins and blood and feelings and thoughts and ideas but it is not enough to make me human and i am undeserving of this planet and the love it can give and the beauty of the ocean or the wind in my hair when my windows down in a car ride and as much as i love my dog and my cat and my friends and my family and my room and watercolors and cheese hot dogs and music and soft blankets and crunchy leaves and smiles and people in soft moments and milkshakes and riding the public bus at noon and the sun peaking through tree branches and clouds and trees and the smell of pine trees and paint and my mom’s cooking and how soft kitten fur is and how cute puppy paws are and answering the phone and singing in the shower and petting stray cats and grocery shopping and finding new music and the color of my own eyes and the color of brown eyes in the sun and the good moments with my family and drawing and writing and telling people i love them just

Isn’t enough

I love so many many many aspects of being alive but i associate so many negative things with myself and selfishness and my stupidity and ignorance and femininity and low masculinity that when i hear my own voice over the phone it makes it less fun to go work and talk to people and when i see how my feet look so weird when i walk it takes away from the happiness of my favorite green converse and how all of my friends are better friends with other people and forget me so easily when im not always in their face takes away from how beautiful they are and how much i love to be around them

I have so many words pent up that i know if someone like me heard them it would help them feel better but that’s not enough to make me want to stay alive and speak for other people and it makes me feel so selfish and mean and dumb that i know i could offer certain things to certain people but i still cant bring myself to genuinely believe that anyone other than my cat or the happy version of myself knows me well enough to know me well and still love me and want to talk to me and hear me live

So many horrible things have happened this year and in this life and i am not strong enough

And as i write this i realize how long it’s taken me to find the words and i can feel my lungs hurt and my eyes are blurry and hurt and i am tired of putting myself in dangerous situations just to feel alive and real and I’ve spent so much time trying to convince myself that my heart is beating because i am alive and real and human and sometimes when i can hear it beating and i have my fingers on my neck to check i get a glimpse of what it’s like to remember what it feels to be alive

But it’s not enough

And i am not enough for myself or my dreams or my wishes or goals or my life’s greatest loves or my family or my friends or my teacher’s expectations but mainly myself because i am sad and sick in my head but

Oh god how i love the feeling of climbing into bed after a long day and getting comfortable and oh god do i love hearing about what makes my friends happy but they don’t tell me anymore and everytime i think someone’s starting a conversation with me just to talk they end up needing something and that’s the only reason why people like me anymore

Oh god i love singing and dancing and swimming and cracking my wrists and knuckles and the smell of freshly cut grass or hot water running down my head in the shower or getting caught in the rain and my room and records and my rats noises at night i cant sleep without them and oh god i love my grandparents and the awkwardness of my family and i miss my aunt and her voice and my steven and my stevens voice and oh god i love videos of dogs smiling and going into work and seeing all these animals that know me and get excited to see me everytime im there i love talking to my customers and my coworkers and the quiet and peace of being the only one home and the color of my watch oh god i love the cool side of the pillow and the way tendons look in hands when you move them and i love the mountain air and snow and freezing toes and nail polish and the big holes in my ears i love the stickers in my laptop and laughing at stupid jokes and reading and falling in love with characters in books and movies and short films even though it’s only for a moment i love poetry and birds and drawing birds and drawing eyes and hands and lips and i love kissing people and holding hands and going on boat rides and the thrill of speeding cars and i love my favorite jacket and strawberry field tic tacs and sleeping in and waking up to the smell of breakfast and hearing people talk about their passions and watching their faces light up and oh oh god i love life i do

I really do

But that’s not enough to blank out all of the bad things ive done to myself and other people and all of the bad things people have done to me and other people and as much as i love life and as many reasons i have to wait and as many things i have to look forward to and hope for i am just so tired

It is not enough

It is not enough for me

I am not enough

I am not enough for me

And i am not enough to be deserving of all the beautiful things in my life that are things to love and hope for and enjoy and stick around for

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