And as i write this i realize how long it’s taken me to find the words and i can feel my lungs hurt and my eyes are blurry and hurt and i am tired of putting myself in dangerous situations just to feel alive and real and I’ve spent so much time trying to convince myself that my heart is beating because i am alive and real and human and sometimes when i can hear it beating and i have my fingers on my neck to check i get a glimpse of what it’s like to remember what it feels to be alive

I hurt so bad inside! I want it all to go away. I want a new beginning. I am not afraid to die mom. I’m just so afraid of tomorrow!

The material provisions you spoiled me with could not do that. And I was alone all the while, despite the fact that we laughed together and had gist as a family. Then came the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

I am collecting suicide notes and I am going to start posting them here. Not for me, but for you.