Where is the joy – Part 5
Posted in : Where is the joy on by : ks Tags: children, empty, family, joy, lonely, numbness, simcha, soul
She talked me into giving up my half of the house and donating it to her father, that way we would be in a better financial position for my kids, and he would further assist then… and no sooner had the transfer gone through and she was seeking the comfort of a boy.
Prior to this, in 2016, I went to her mother to plead for assistance for my kids. I was advised that if I disappeared and never came back, only then would her father consider assisting with the kids. I left her mothers house a broken soul.
I collapsed on the side of the road and a taxi driver picked me up and took me home. He walked me down the driveway and ask me for my phone and called my mom. I was admitted into hospital that afternoon.
My wife came to the hospital, and I told her that I was going to disappear and never come back. That way her parents would look after the girls. She begged me not to do it. She told me she would rather be homeless with me than lose me.
I chose to stay.
I applied myself in all the therapies and I was released a new man after nearly three weeks. I went home but nothing changed between us. I was still alone in my own family.
Back to current time: So I left the court house and made my way home…
I was emotionally numb. I felt nothing. I felt nothing for anyone, not even my own family. It’s as if my soul had left me. I was still conscious but I was not there. I felt no joy. No happiness. Everything tasted like saw dust, even water. I had lost my simcha.
What is simcha?
Simcha (שִׂמְחָה) is a Hebrew word that means joy. But not normal open a present on your birthday joy, or seeing an old friend joy. It’s the joy of life. Without it, you cease to live. You only exist. You just take up space. Like a chair.
A chair exists but it doesn’t live, it merely takes up space. I now took up space. I was merely an object. My vessel was so empty that I felt nothing. Nothing made me smile and nothing made me cry. Emotional darkness. Dark and cold.
How does one reach this point?
Surely one chain of events is not enough to drive a person to this point?
The soul is like a pot of water cooking on the stove. Starts off as just a pot of water, and as life goes on we add ingredients. Some ingredients make for a good stew and some make for a bad stew, and from time to time we will share this stew with people. We will give them a plate of our soul. This is good, but people don’t want to eat bad stew. People want to eat good stew.
But the pot is only so big, and since 29th August last year I have been adding ingredients. Bad ingredients. And like on the cartoons the pot has started shaking for a while, and Wednesday the lid blew off the pot and the stew flowed over onto the stove quenching the flames.
And no, it wasn’t one series of ingredients that has spoiled the stew of my soul. There is more.