Where is the joy – Part 3
Posted in : Where is the joy on by : ks Tags: affair, broken heart, daughter, god, love, suicide
A few months later we were pregnant again but at the end of October we lost the baby.As we left the doctors rooms I turned to my wife to hug her and she pushed me aside and walked down the corridor. I cried in the parking lot while the doctors removed the dead malformed fetus from my wife.
In 2015 we were pregnant again, and by this point Emma was two and I loved having a daughter so much I prayed and asked for another daughter.
3rd of November 2015, Kathryn Ruth was born.
But I had new stress because events at work had resulted in me not having gainful employment and I was going to start at a new company in December. By May I had resigned due to non- payment of my earnings. My wife had convinced me to sell my car, my bike and most of my tools.
I started working for myself, walking everywhere. My wife had two cars but refused to allow me to use her second car. Every time an opportunity came to improve my situation it became a fight. In 2018 January, my wife told me I was nothing but a burden on the family and had never contributed in anyway in our entire relationship.
This was not true, when we lost our electricity, which I had been paying but stopped in protest of the lack of service delivery, I made an arrangement with a neighbour to tap off them and paid them every month without fail. When I did have a steady income I paid towards her fuel and groceries. Meanwhile she gladly used my credit card and accounts to ring up debt which is in my name.
In June of 2018 I found out, from a stranger, that she was having an affair and that it started in March. Her new choice in partner was a learner at her school. I tried to reconcile but she continued the affair anyway. When I found out my wife had opted for a child over her husband who had always remained 100% loyal, my universe came crashing around me.
Here before me was a gift from G-d and G-d was taking her away from me. That was when I decided to hurt G-d and take my own life. But I failed and survived…I didn’t want to survive… And I don’t even know if I really survived because everything has had this eerie sensation like I am in a dream. And every night I go to bed hoping I don’t wake up.
In February I went to fetch my daughters, but Katie didn’t want to be in my car. She said my car was scary. Her mother had to bring her to where I was staying.
Once there she said she didn’t want to be by me because I was going to hurt her. I asked her who said that and she said mommy told her. I started to record our conversation. I couldn’t get her to admit about me hurting her, but I did record her saying that mommy said my car was scary.
I was shattered. I felt more pain in my heart than I did the night I took my own life. Katie went home early and Emma stayed, but my heart was crushed. I screamed, but no sound came out. I cried, but no tear fell.
I didn’t see my daughters for five weeks because I was so scared of rejection, the poison that has put in their ears…