Where is the joy – Part 2
Posted in : Where is the joy on by : ks Tags: birth, daughter, depression, divorce, god, marriage, prayer, promise, schizo-effective disorder, schizophrenia, torah, voices
From my early teens I used to have a voice in my head.
By the time I was twenty one I was a habitual drug user and the voice was gone. At the age of twenty three I was so heavy into drugs that I landed up in jail.
I decided to stop the drugs completely;
The voice came back.
The voice told me to start reading Torah. I started reading Torah every day. It helped me rebuild my shattered life. I would pray and the voice would answer. But it would always guide me down a good path and to live a righteous life. I started to commit random acts of kindness at every opportunity.
In 2006 I met a young woman who had a one year old daughter. We started to date. A year later we broke up. I was so smitten with her daughter that I cried constantly that I missed her. I prayed one night and asked for my own daughter.
The voice spoke;
It said “you will meet a woman who will be very educated, work with children and be charitable. She wont believe in G-d as you do, but she will honour your beliefs and keep a kosher home. Before your 35th birthday she will give you a daughter named Sarah. You will have two more children, a son and a gift.”
In 2008 I met my wife. She had two university qualifications, she was a teacher and at the time she was volunteering at a community gymnastics club that took in children from disadvantaged backgrounds.
In 2009 I married her.
In 2010 I was diagnosed with schizo-effective disorder and I was given medication that took the voice away.
I turned my back to G-d.
I was told I was throwing away the baby with the bath water, but in my eyes I threw away the bath water to find there was no baby. I had so strongly believed that G-d had chosen me and was talking to me, and I had been listening with baited breathe.
At this point I had still not fallen in love with my wife as I was merely following the instruction of the voice. I offered her a divorce, but she declined. I made a vow to fall in love with her and I did.
In 2012 we bought a house and by 2013 we were pregnant. On the 28th of November 2013 Emma Sarah was born.
I was sitting in the coffee shop at the hospital with my mom and she reminded me of what the voice had said all those years ago. In anger I left her at the coffee shop.
I went and prayed;
In February 2014, I turned thirty five.