Where is the joy – Part 1
Posted in : Where is the joy on by : ks Tags: affair, emotional abandonment, give up, god, love, suicide
How does one feel simcha when one feels nothing?
I lived in a marriage with emotional abandonment for more than 9 years. Early in my marriage, my wife even suggest I find a girlfriend to fill my void. I refused.
On the 29th of August last year, my wife told me that she hadn’t loved me since before my daughters were born. She proceeded to tell me that she want to be with her boyfriend because she loved him and he made her happy.
I locked myself in my room and went through my medication. I found one with a low lethal dose and proceeded to take them, one every twenty minutes, so I wouldn’t vomit them up.
She would knock on the door every five minutes, I would respond and she would remain silent. She did nothing. We have neighbours. We live less than a kilometer from the police station. Four hospitals in walking distance and a tenant who was built like a brick house.
She could have done something, but she did nothing.
My best friend and business partner responded when he saw an unusual WhatsApp message from me. He usually doesn’t check his messages this late but for some reason he needed to check his messages that night.
He said that when he got there she was standing in the passage chatting on her phone. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Only after she noticed him standing there did she start to show emotion.
He got into my room and found me out of it but still taking pills. He managed to get the police there through a mutual friend who used to work for the police.
The last thing I remember was my eyes closing with a policeman in front of me.
Everything went dark.
No white light, nothing, Just dark and warm. I knew I had finally succeeded at something. I knew it was over.
In the darkness I caught glimpses of people trying to help me. I saw one of my other business partners as well.
I saw the lights of a corridor ceiling. Then I remember being carried by a lot of people. Then silence.
I woke up.
I woke up violently. I was screaming and swearing and pulling leads and tubes out of me. And then I fell asleep again… suddenly.
The next time I woke up, I was calmer. I learned that I had been in a coma for three hours and that my vitals had been dropping and the doctors had given up. On my chart there was a star with the words “please monitor”.
I was told that the doctors and nurses had done all they can but didn’t think I would wake up. Then half an hour before I woke up my vitals began to improve. She said I was lucky to be awake, I was lucky to be alive.
I was discharged late that evening into the custody of my business partner and best friend. He took me home.
My wife was visibly angered by the prospect that I was alive.
The next day I went to see the other business partner I saw in the darkness and he confirmed that he was there that night. He added that my wife “cackled like a witch” when I was taken to the hospital.
The next day she went to the courts to apply to have me evicted from the house. I later learned that she had cried before the magistrate saying that she had always lived in constant fear of me that I was going to harm her and her children. Of course the order was not granted in its entirety as she could not validate any occurrence where I had put her or the children in harms way. A hearing date was set.
She did not pitch.
I, of course, left the house by the end of December.
Oh, and I had not prayed since the Sunday before I took my own life.