A letter to my daughters – 19 August 2019
Posted in : Letters to My Daughters on by : ks Tags: letter, sadness
Dear Emma & Katie
I am doing much better than before. I am working very hard so that I can afford to give mommy money to look after you. I have started giving mommy money, not enough, I know, but I am doing the best I can with what I have got.
Every day I wake up before the sun, work hard until late at night, then go to sleep to dream of the time we do spend together, though little it is.
It has been more than eight months since I have kissed you each goodnight. That’s a lot of sleeps, but I still remember the smell of your hair when you kissed me and cuddled me goodnight.
I yearn for the time I can just cuddle with the two of you and read you endless bedtime stories. Play tea party, and dress up, and pretend food.
Every time I walk into a toy shop I want to buy you some dress-up clothes, but I don’t have enough money. And when I do find something I can afford, I don’t buy it because I am scared it will be so long till we can truly spend time together, that the outfits won’t fit you.
I miss you two so much. The few hours a week I do spend with you is so precious to me. But sometimes work gets in the way. But I have to work, so I can reach a point where I can provide for you two.
Today I woke up at 5am. It was a good and productive day, but the day ended in me lying and running away in tears.
You see, I woke up, and started planning my day. I made a list of everything I needed to do and everyone I needed to see. Shuffled a few appointments around and got to my first stop at 8am.
I signed up a new client, and I already have two more leads.
Then I got to go to Katie’s art show at school. I got there early. Daddy likes being early.
Daddy walked around Katie’s classroom and looked for all her pictures. Daddy was happy and sad. Happy that he saw the beautiful rhino and fish that Katie had made and when Daddy got to the picture of the cable car and saw Katie’s photo in the picture, Daddy’s eyes welled up.
I am sorry, but I went outside the school, into the road to have a smoke and calm down.
Then I went into the classroom and told Mommy a lie. I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t stay.
I told Mommy that I had to leave for work.
I went to the car and cried.
I miss you both so much.
I love you.